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But now that I had actually been mistakenfor a girl by one adult and told by another that I looked 'girlish,' Ifelt a bit disturbed. I wasn't a girl and I didn't want to look likeone. I started to feel angry and embarrassed all over again. Maybe Ishould start acting more like a boy? But I wasn't really sure how to dothat, should I cut my hair? But I liked my hair as it was, I had alwayshad longish hair and Marie said it suited me, she said it was like mymothers and so I didn't want to get rid of that part of me that waslike her. But it couldn't go on being thought of as a girl, it wasridiculous. I turned over to sleep, vowing to myself that I woulddefinitely tell Mrs. Storey tomorrow. But how?About half an hour after school ended that Thursday I arrived at Mrs.Storey's house. (it was quite a way away from where I lived and went toschool). I rang the doorbell and took a deep breath. I would tell herstraight away, I decided, but I still hadn't thought of a good way tosay it. It was a. What the fuck am I thinking?I paused for a minute after Megan’s story finished. Watching them all down Jägerbombs was making me feel sick.And jealous.I finally got up, grabbed my textbook off my desk and leant down to put it under my bed. My hand paused though, hovering over a shoe box.How can I be so horny and so scared of boys at the same time? Does that make me a lesbian? No, I want a boyfriend not a girl. I just need a boy who’s shy and nerdy, like me.I grabbed the box and sat down on my bed with it on my lap.Maybe I do just need to get out more. It’s not like I was having any luck with the boys on my course. They’re all either all greasy, mumbling freaks who can’t even look a girl in the eye, never mind speak to them! Or they are beautiful, smart, sexy and too good for me.I opened the box, revealing my silver bullet vibrator I kept hidden in there. I think I would just die of embarrassment if my family ever found it.What if I did just go out? Get drunk, leave the club with.
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